Life Update

View out the Window

As I write this post, I am looking upon a city I was not sure I could love. To my right a dizzyingly beautiful castle that tourists around the world flock to & to my left the most magnificent sunset over the orange roofs of Heidelberg. The past week has been one of the hardest of my adult lives and I am sure I would not of survived it without the friendship of those around me and the constant counsel of my wearied parents. This week goes to show me that things happen fast, like in a day your whole world can be different. I was very stretched and stressed but God does do cool things in my life, I just have to have to right perspective to see them.

So where to begin, my frustrations: I recognize I am a runner, I run away from hard situations. I am not good at staying put and as Tom Petty puts it “she was an American girl, raised on promises, couldn’t help thinking that there was a better life somewhere else”.  Although I hate to fit this stereotype its true, it really takes effort and energy to stay. I was ready to throw in the towel this past weekend, end my internship early and move onto the next opportunity. My housing situation was depressing me & I was getting restless once more; yet the thought of leaving the friends I had made and being afresh once more seemed so utterly tiring. Brainstorming a few things to reinvigorate my life gave me hope and possibility; yet as often happens your plan is superseded by another’s.

One thought was to try subleasing an apartment for my remaining month in town, being far away from the city and spending about 40-60 minutes on public transportation a day was beginning to be very taxing. My friend Sara had just moved and her flatmate was not moving in until September. Another girl I knew was leaving for the month of September and her flat was also potentially unoccupied. Many thoughts crossed my mind, from applying to Au Pairing situations to applying to PhD’s…I was just so utterly lost in what I should be doing next. All the while being kindly reminded by my parents that I am still a student and should really be focusing on finishing my dissertation by October.

Monday a surprising offer came my way, an extended contract at EMBL; throwing a complete ‘spanner in the works’ so to say. Well that offer seemed to alleviate much of the panic that was starting to set in about the unknown future; but was it the best decision for me or just the easiest? Yes I was learning lots but one of the reason I entered the library profession was because of the human interaction, I found the fact that I was often chained to my office doing menial tasks a bit soul crushing. I was contemplating a total career change from librarianship to something else, the idea of working in a university’s international office has been quite appealing to me for some time.

Being presented with this offer and needing to decide by Wednesday took total control of my thoughts for the next 48 hours. I also realize I stress about the small things, moving to a new country where I know no one & don’t have a place to live, no problem…deciding the next few months of my life sets me into panic mode. Is this the path I should be wandering down, should I be doing something else…I still do not know, but accepted the offer to stay until December. As my brother lovingly told me “it is easier to find a job when you have a job”.

Although I hem and haw over this period of my life “no feeling is finite” as my amazing new flatmate told me. I made the move into town to her attic apartment overlooking the castle & city just for a brief time; taking life one day at a time, with its highs and lows. Waking up in this amazing flat provided such clarity to what it is that I want in life. Her kindness also makes me wonder when the day will come when I can be the one to take in a vagabond 20something friend with my own apartment. I feel very far from being the adult I thought I would be at this point in my life, whilst also feeling very far away from the dreamer I once was. Where is the balance? Maybe my outlook at life is shifting or maybe I am just doing life wrong but it seems to be getting harder with every new decision I make.

My dream has always been to live in the UK extensively, but the legalistic side of it is such a burden.  I know I could get a stable job in the US but every time I look at jobs in the US whether in Pittsburgh, Boston, San Francisco, Raleigh, or Denver none of them seem appealing to me. Maybe I am too idealistic, thinking I can make it in this big planet on my own. But if you shoot for the moon, you may land among the stars right? And sitting in this apartment sure feels like that at the moment 🙂 There are lessons to be learned from everyone you encounter and magic to be found in this so-called life, even if you occasionally fall flat on your face.

Just when you are about to give up…

…that is when the magic happens. My life seems to be a never ending roller-coaster, but you have to take the highs with the lows I guess. I am also realizing that most people do not have a clue what their doing either, so that is reassuring. After 7 months of being a vagabond, I have officially unpacked my belonging. I have a place to rest my head, collect my thoughts, and most importantly recharge.

These bones are weary, over-travelled, and just plain exhausted. As are my parents, as I trampst them up and down the coast of Scotland during our adventures the past 16 days. Their arrival was the highlight of my year, that I have two loving parents who despite illness & dislike of travel came the whole way to the UK just for me. We wandered the streets of Edinburgh, visiting the Castle, the Royal Yacht Britannia, and Holyrood. Yet when I questioned my father on his favorite thing in Edinburgh, he remarked that Wetherspoons (a local pub chain throughout Scotland) was nice. I may not have converted them to Scotophiles during their visit but I sure enjoyed indulging them in British tea culture during their stay.

Throughout their visit I should mention that I was looking for apartments/jobs in Scotland, which I did not want to be the focus of the trip. Yet at the end of week one, I had decided I wanted to focus my flat hunt in Aberdeen (instead of Edinburgh). I made a mad dash up to view a few place with the plan to meet them in Inverness from there, but of course a simple plan never is, my train was cancelled due to bad weather & I was forced to bus it through the highlands to meet them (taking double the time). Alas we made it to Inverness which my parents loved, they are not city people so I knew I needed to get them into the beautiful country. Renting a car (Yes, I drove on the left side of the road!) was amazing & truly terrifying for my mother. I wanted to make sure they saw Skye, but the winding, one way road, coastal cliff roads are not so good for the nerves; safely arriving back was quite the relief for her.

Coming into Aberdeen lastly was strategically planned as it is the most dismal of the Scottish cities, arriving on a Saturday night was not the best of timing either; either way I was able to show my mother the highlights of the town. I was getting a bit panicky at the lack of housing, and the day before they were due to head back down to Edinburgh I bought a plane ticket to accompany them back. Everything has always fallen into place for me before, and this time it just did not seem to. So the thought of going back home to take a breather, realign my goals, stop pushing for the life I want started to seem appealing. The bribery of a dog & a house, visiting friends, a trip to San Francisco all seemed very luring but for some bizarre reason I wanted to stay in the city of freezing granite.

So ten minutes before we were stepping out for our last meal in Aberdeen, I received a message asking if I was still interested searching for a flat. I said I maybe if I could see the flat that evening & by 8 o’clock the next day I was collecting the keys to a beautiful two story flat 10 minutes from the center of town.

The why question that my mother kept repeating to me, of why I would ever want to stay here was insightful. Why did I want to stay in Scotland, why has Scotland stolen my heart, why here & not somewhere tropical or closer to family? Although I could start again and very well may have to in the near future. There are good people everywhere, there are opportunities everywhere, there are homes everywhere…so why here? I do not know if it has become my comfort zone, that when I fell into a interesting predicament I resorted to Aberdeen because it was familiar & I needed the academic support during that period. Edinburgh seemed too big for me, I could do it but I was overwhelmed. At this pinnacle of decision making, where my life could veer in so many directions…does it all matter? I hope every choice will become easier with time, but is there ever a time when our decision come back to bite us? Or can we always begin afresh? My logic was I can always go home, but I can not always stay here and see if I can stand on my own two feet.  With a visa dwindling & so many unknowns in the future…each day is sure to keep me on my toes.

September

Taking a moment to sit and think seems like a luxury, I’ve been so focused on meeting deadlines and figuring out what is next that reflecting on the past month just has not happened. So since returning to Scotland I have been couch surfing among loving friends, living in libraries and coffee shops finishing my dissertation. Now that that is done and dusted, I have to figuring out what is next for this crazy vagabond.

Before that happens I am extremely ecstatic that my parents are coming to visit!! As I write this I am on the train bound for Edinburgh to meet them and overjoyed to show them around the country that has stolen my heart. My father helped me to move to Aberdeen last year but this will be my mother’s first time in Scotland. I cannot wait to show them around Edinburgh, Stirling, Aberdeen, and the Highlands! It also provides me with a buffer time to hopefully hear back about jobs and figure out where I will be living upon their departure.

While there has been much school work during the last month their has been time for a few fun things, here are some highlights:

Dunnottar Castle:

Down the coast from Aberdeen is the sea-side town of Stonehaven, a wee walk along is the stunningly beautiful Dunnottar Castle.

 

Oktoberfest:

Aberdeen bizarrely held a Oktoberfest in Union Terrace Gardens and since I missed out on the lederhosen fun in Germany I thought it  would be worth checking out. It is never a bad idea to enter a tent of drunk Scots, while it was a knock-off version of anything in Germany I am sure, it was still interesting to go to.

Beach Ballroom European Night:

The library held a awesome European Language night at the beach ballroom, which is a place I had always wanted to check out. The event was full of yummy food from all over Europe & some really cool people to meet. #librariesrock

 

So that was my September in a nutshell and a little of what I have been up to, more to come from travels around Scotland over the next few weeks!

Referendum Day

Well the results are in, Scotland has voiced a resounding “Nay”. The vote has been on the brink of going either way before September 18th. Voting day the excitement was in the air as people made last ditch efforts of campaigning, handing out stickers of “Yea or Nay” on street corners and in front of the university library where I spend most of the day. Being an American in Scotland, I had no vote as only “British, commonwealth, Republic of Ireland, and EU citizens residing in Scotland and over the age of 16” were eligible. Yet one could not get involved in the buzz that was happening. I honestly felt very neutral about the whole thing until I awoke at 6am to check the results, I was a bit deflated with the No vote. While I think it is really for the best, part of me was very interested to see what would happen to Scotland if it has decided to go Independent. There still will be a lot of change, a country cannot just go back to how it was before with a vote like this. So while businesses and those who were adamant against separation sigh with relief this morning, those who wanted to see a different Scotland for the future will keep wondering…

Why I walked away from my job and moved countries in 24 hours

I could not help thinking that I am literally insane as I boarded the airport shuttle to Frankfurt, I was still shaking with my decision. I had speedily thrown everything into my suitcase leaving behind non-essential things. My one suitcase and I were heading back to Aberdeen, what was meant to be a quick weekend trip provided an opportunity to move.  There were so many factors in the decision, it may have looked like a rash decision but it had been building for some time. Although I have no need to justify my decision to anyone other than myself I am still processing how it all transpired.

I had good friends, I had a job until December, I had housing figured out in Heidelberg … logistically it all looked fine. Yet everything was crumbling around me, I may not of hit rock bottom but it sure felt like a deep pit. I honestly think God uses everyone in our lives to direct our paths, even if it to redirect them away from a place we should not be and put us on the path he has set for us. I am thankful for my time in Heidelberg and a great summer; but every new beginning comes from another beginnings end.

I learned so much from the people and the unique work place I was in, the environment was so very campus-like. I should have been happy with all the perks that came along with it, but when certain things are not right you cannot just cover them up; maybe it was just being it was my first professional post outside the US, but I felt so trapped. My life had little balance to it and all the while I was trying to write my dissertation. I knew if I wanted to finish my Master’s degree I needed to be in Aberdeen with my academic support & resources.

I am realizing re-establishing a life all over the world is difficult, but I do hope that someday these struggles with be worthwhile and useful to me. I fortunately am still young and am able to make mistakes, as long as I learn from them. I may still seek a lot of advice from others, but am realizing more and more I have to trust myself and my decisions. One piece of advice that has been helpful to me from another American friends put into a similar position as me, was ‘that if you are always trying to get back to a place, is it worth it to trade your time being in another?’ So I am back in Scotland to put my head down for the next four weeks and produce something adequate for submission.

My priorities in life are my own, getting stressed out over a job is not what I was created for. Being sealed away in an office doing menial tasks is not what I was created for. Loving people and helping others is what I was created for, but being pushed beyond your limits gets you to a breaking point and that causes you to be useless to everyone. I was so emotionally and mentally drained that I do not know how I was still functioning properly. The weight of my decision may catch up with me someday, but it feel like the best decision for now. As the plane took off, I could feel the intense environment I had subjected myself to whirl away and it was as if blinders had been removed from my eyes so I could more objectively see what I had just been through. When you are in the midst of it, you are so easily blinded.

 

Yes I am glad it happened, Yes I learned so much, No I did not board the plane back to Germany…